Behind every well-dressed man you can find a string of clothing malfunctions. Although you think your closet is a sartorial paradise, I can assure you every guy has at least one demon lurking at the back of the cupboard.

Use this guide to assassinate all those fashion fiends and restore your tailoring to the standard it rightfully deserves. Grab the largest garbage bag you can find, and let’s get sorting…

Fleeces
Unless you spend your weekends mountaineering, there’s no reason why you’d need to invest in a fleece; what’s wrong with something graceful and elegant like a cashmere or merino pullover?

‘Wild’ party shirts
Did someone order Hawaiian or is it just me? Ditch the mustard with lime green checks and the peach-on-orange satin tops. Replace with something a little more tasteful, like pure cotton shirts with coordinating patterns.

Crocs
No man in his right mind should enjoy having this quantity of vibrantly-colored plastic anywhere near his toes! What’s wrong with leather Birkenstocks or dress sandals anyway? Ditch the crocs and find a pair of light, breathable canvas shoes instead.

“Contains 100% Polyester”
Any piece of clothing that generates more static electricity than complements should be thrown out immediately. If it looks and feels artificial, imagine the message it’s sending to those around you. If you do insist on buying synthetic fabrics, always spend a little extra on a ‘blend’ consisting of natural fibers as well as artificial ones; this way you’ll get the best of both worlds.

‘Flower Power’ garments
And I’m not just talking about the rainbow sandals either! Ditch the velvet waistcoats, heavy-flared jeans and the psychedelic teashades with the bright pink lenses. Replace with anything that hasn’t been in vogue since circa 1968.

Baggy T-shirts
When you can fit two people inside a single tee you know it’s time to hit the high street again. Try to buy simple cotton T-shirts during the sales; they’re always going to have plenty of basic tees in stock wherever you go, so wait for the price to drop by 50% or more before stocking up on your favorite manufacturer’s shirts.

Ruffles
You’re not a crinkle-cut potato chip, so stop dressing like one. Anything tousled or rumpled instantly appears feminine, and unless you’re attending a fancy dress party as a ‘80s new wave artiste, you’ll simply look a fool.

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